I am the ONE in Eight

     It's National Infertility Awareness Week this week.  I have to say that I am so impressed by the publicity it is getting this week.  I have seen so media outlets running stories about infertility stories, facts, and individuals and it makes me happy to see such an important cause that affects so many getting the coverage it deserves.  Believe it or not, infertility affects one in eight couples.  Like its good friend cANCER, it does not discriminate.  It affects all ages, races, genders, social economic levels, etc. 35% of cases is a male problem, 35% is a female problem, 20% are both, and 10% are unexplained.  That being said, you know a handful of people facing infertility right now, even if they aren't talking about it.  Let me do the talking for them so you can get a glimpse into what they are going through.

Infertility is.....overwhelming.  There are so many doctors appointments, often every other day.  There are so many bills, usually insurance doesn't pay.  There are so many decisions, ones you're sure you're not ready to make.  All of it is overwhelming.

Infertility is.....a life on hold.  You never know what procedures are around the corner next month, so maybe you can't take that trip.  You never know if you "might" be pregnant, so you aren't sure about that drink.  You never know what bills are on their way, so you don't want to spend your money. Always waiting creates a life on hold.

Infertility is.....exhausting.  Literally from all the meds.  Figuratively because you are on a meery-go-round that you want off of so badly, but you just can't get it to stop.  So many emotions is exhausting.

Infertility is.....constant pain.  With infertility, you are always sad.  Every single day.  Getting in your car and seeing the stroller on the sidewalk.  Turning on the tv and watching the diaper commercial.  Hopping on Facebook and reading all the baby updates.  Reminders are everywhere everyday.  We may hide it well, but we are always in constant pain.

HOWEVER....

Infertility does.....make you stronger.  Its pretty amazing to be able to look at something you were almost certain would break you and to see how far you've come.  It's pretty inspiring to be in a 4 year marriage that has weathered more challenges that most 50 year marriages and love that person even more than you did before.  I am stronger than I ever thought I would have to be, but grateful for the new found strength.

Infertility does.....force you to count your blessings.  A good day.  A smile for no reason.  Tulips blooming outside.  A glass of wine with girlfriends.  Weekday breakfasts before work with my husband.  A text or call reminding me I have someone on the other end who cares.  A "Best Teacher" note from a student.  So many blessings that I now see every single day that I used to take for granted...that alone is a blessing for sure.

Infertility does...NOT define you.  My infertility journey probably will be my life's defining story, but not because of the fact I can't conceive a baby on my own.  It defines me because of the person I have become through the process.  The person I have CHOSEN to become on this journey.  I am not where I want to be yet, but I am more of the person I want to be than before this journey.  It has made me better in ways that I never thought it could, and for that, I am grateful.

Stronger than cANCER

     cANCER has once again been on the forefront of our minds this week.  I've been reminded what a cruel disease it is and how much it robs from those who suffer in its presence.  It does not discriminate; it knows no age limits, no race limits, no gender limits.  Its power can be all consuming and for that reason we have to fight everyday to not give it the power it craves.  And no matter how much grace it gives, it takes with it a peace of mind that can never quite fully be given back.
     Last Friday morning at 5am I was pulling into the gym parking lot when Alan called me and said he was extremely dizzy and couldn't keep his balance.  I wasn't too worried and figured it was Vertigo since I have had some friends have it before and I was familiar with the symptoms.  Never the less, Alan was absolutely miserable and we needed to get him back to normal, so I headed home to pick him up and make our all too familiar trek to the ER.  After a quick exam, it was determined that it was most likely a typical case of Vertigo.  However, once you've had cANCER, it will forever be in the back of everyone's minds- yours and the doctors- is it back? So, just to be on the safe side, they ran a head CT. Thankfully, that came back normal.
     Coincidentally, Alan also had a full morning of 3 month cANCER appointments and tests already scheduled.  I wasn't originally planning on going with him, but since he still couldn't drive, I took him to his 8am round of appointments at the KU cANCER Center.  Man, if you think life has given you a bad day, go sit in that waiting room for 30 seconds and your priorities in life will be set straight real quickly.  Someone who lost a leg to cANCER.  Another who has been doing chemo for five years.  Almost all with multiple family members.  Support systems of family all baring their bald heads.  Little kids who should be out being stung by bees at the park, not needles in a hospital. There's just no way to put it.  IT'S. JUST. NOT. FAIR.
     Alan's 3 month bloodwork all came back good.  That was a relief. BUT...they found a mass on the chest x-ray that needed a follow up CT.  The oncologist was fairly certain that it was nothing to be worried about, but wanted to run tests just to be sure.  The good thing about all of these scans every three months is that you know every single little thing going on inside your body and have notes to compare even the most minimal change.  The bad thing is that you know every single little thing going on inside your body.  Seeing a common theme here?  cANCER has robbed that peace of mind and isn't giving it back.  So, we have sat on the edge of our seats once again this past week.  Luckily today, the CT scan showed the mass was just a calcium deposit.  We have good news and the"all clear" to carry us through another three months.
     Last Friday's events were proceeded by a phone call from my mom Monday morning.  One of my dad's oldest friends of fifty some years lost his fight to cancer.  He has a daughter my age that I've grown up with all my life.  A little over twelve years ago, she lost her mom to cANCER.  A couple of months back she had genetic testing done to find out that she has the gene for breast cANCER.  Now the question for her is When not If.  AGAIN.  IT'S. JUST. NOT FAIR.
     So, what do we do?  We fight like hell when we get that diagnosis.  When those we love get too tired to fight, we let them rest and we fight like hell for them.  We keep HOPE alive even when there is less peace of mind than there used to be.  We take control of our own lives, have the courage to get the knowledge we need, and then do what needs to be done to not give cANCER the power to it craves.  We become a voice encouraging others to make better choices, do the exams, get the proactive genetic testing.  We become living proof examples like my friend that no matter how much cANCER tries to beat us down and tear our families apart, that if we muster up all the courage we have, we can still live our lives with great meaning and purpose.   It isn't fair. It never will be.  But in the words of Stuart Scott, "We beat cANCER by how we live, why we live, and the manner in which we live."  For these reasons, we are, and always will be, stronger than cANCER.  

Message of HOPE

     I have always loved Easter.  Whether its reflecting on fond memories from growing up and going to see my grandparents every Easter to feeling its always the first true day of spring, Easter has always been a special holiday.  It really wasn't though until these past couple years though and all of our struggles that I truly feel a NEED in my life for Easter and all the promises that come with it.  The message at church today was so incredibly perfect that I felt I just had to share it on my blog.

     We can't know great joy in our life until we know great pain.  And unfortunately, from time to time in our lives, we are going to have that sickening feeling that good and kindness and love and right have been defeated by evil.  That feeling that evil had the final word.  But Easter reminds us that light always triumphs over darkness.  We may pass through seasons of darkness in our lives, but it will never have the final word.  We can CHOOSE to be people of hope, no matter what our circumstances are.  We can CHOOSE to be people of Easter.
    Easter is not just about receiving hope, but its about giving hope. Easter comes with a mission...a mission for us to live it so that other people living in darkness can see its great light and receive that same hope too.

Happy Easter!