How to Become an Overcomer

     Over the past four weeks our pastor has been doing a sermon tackling some of the hard questions: Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why does God let people get sick and leave prayers unanswered?  What is God's will for my life?  Why have faith if God isn't always going to answer our prayers?  Although these are some very tough questions and I still have questions left unanswered, these things were made clear to me over the past few weeks.  God never promised us a life without pain.  Although we all face seasons in our life that are anything but how we imagined they would be, the real part of the story is how we handle the conflict.  Beautiful things arise out of pain, we arise out of the pain, and ultimately, God helps us to find a way to write good out of the pain.  And so, from the pain we can become Overcomers.

How to Become an Overcomer

• In all tough situations, think, "What is the most loving thing I can do?"
• In most cases, we know the right thing to do.  The question is, will we do it?
• Remember, in the face of evil, we are called to bring about the maximum amount of good
• Use your dominion to push back the darkness by bringing kindness and love and light
• Take the hand you are dealt and run with it
• Remember, if you spend all your time looking at the bad, you're gonna miss all the good and the beautiful
• Remember, God doesn't ensure that only good things happen, but God brings good out of the hardship and the pain
• Live for the now
• We don't know how much time we have, but we do know that we can cherish what we do have
• Give thanks for what you've been given everyday
• Remember, the worst thing is never the last thing
• Remember, God works through other people.  Pay attention.  You are the answers to other people's prayers.

I'm still waiting for my "grand slam out of the park" prayer to be answered.  But in the mean time, I reflect back on the many times that I have seen God walking with me over the past few years reminding me that he's still here with me.  And that is more than enough for now:)

I am the ONE in Eight

     It's National Infertility Awareness Week this week.  I have to say that I am so impressed by the publicity it is getting this week.  I have seen so media outlets running stories about infertility stories, facts, and individuals and it makes me happy to see such an important cause that affects so many getting the coverage it deserves.  Believe it or not, infertility affects one in eight couples.  Like its good friend cANCER, it does not discriminate.  It affects all ages, races, genders, social economic levels, etc. 35% of cases is a male problem, 35% is a female problem, 20% are both, and 10% are unexplained.  That being said, you know a handful of people facing infertility right now, even if they aren't talking about it.  Let me do the talking for them so you can get a glimpse into what they are going through.

Infertility is.....overwhelming.  There are so many doctors appointments, often every other day.  There are so many bills, usually insurance doesn't pay.  There are so many decisions, ones you're sure you're not ready to make.  All of it is overwhelming.

Infertility is.....a life on hold.  You never know what procedures are around the corner next month, so maybe you can't take that trip.  You never know if you "might" be pregnant, so you aren't sure about that drink.  You never know what bills are on their way, so you don't want to spend your money. Always waiting creates a life on hold.

Infertility is.....exhausting.  Literally from all the meds.  Figuratively because you are on a meery-go-round that you want off of so badly, but you just can't get it to stop.  So many emotions is exhausting.

Infertility is.....constant pain.  With infertility, you are always sad.  Every single day.  Getting in your car and seeing the stroller on the sidewalk.  Turning on the tv and watching the diaper commercial.  Hopping on Facebook and reading all the baby updates.  Reminders are everywhere everyday.  We may hide it well, but we are always in constant pain.

HOWEVER....

Infertility does.....make you stronger.  Its pretty amazing to be able to look at something you were almost certain would break you and to see how far you've come.  It's pretty inspiring to be in a 4 year marriage that has weathered more challenges that most 50 year marriages and love that person even more than you did before.  I am stronger than I ever thought I would have to be, but grateful for the new found strength.

Infertility does.....force you to count your blessings.  A good day.  A smile for no reason.  Tulips blooming outside.  A glass of wine with girlfriends.  Weekday breakfasts before work with my husband.  A text or call reminding me I have someone on the other end who cares.  A "Best Teacher" note from a student.  So many blessings that I now see every single day that I used to take for granted...that alone is a blessing for sure.

Infertility does...NOT define you.  My infertility journey probably will be my life's defining story, but not because of the fact I can't conceive a baby on my own.  It defines me because of the person I have become through the process.  The person I have CHOSEN to become on this journey.  I am not where I want to be yet, but I am more of the person I want to be than before this journey.  It has made me better in ways that I never thought it could, and for that, I am grateful.

Stronger than cANCER

     cANCER has once again been on the forefront of our minds this week.  I've been reminded what a cruel disease it is and how much it robs from those who suffer in its presence.  It does not discriminate; it knows no age limits, no race limits, no gender limits.  Its power can be all consuming and for that reason we have to fight everyday to not give it the power it craves.  And no matter how much grace it gives, it takes with it a peace of mind that can never quite fully be given back.
     Last Friday morning at 5am I was pulling into the gym parking lot when Alan called me and said he was extremely dizzy and couldn't keep his balance.  I wasn't too worried and figured it was Vertigo since I have had some friends have it before and I was familiar with the symptoms.  Never the less, Alan was absolutely miserable and we needed to get him back to normal, so I headed home to pick him up and make our all too familiar trek to the ER.  After a quick exam, it was determined that it was most likely a typical case of Vertigo.  However, once you've had cANCER, it will forever be in the back of everyone's minds- yours and the doctors- is it back? So, just to be on the safe side, they ran a head CT. Thankfully, that came back normal.
     Coincidentally, Alan also had a full morning of 3 month cANCER appointments and tests already scheduled.  I wasn't originally planning on going with him, but since he still couldn't drive, I took him to his 8am round of appointments at the KU cANCER Center.  Man, if you think life has given you a bad day, go sit in that waiting room for 30 seconds and your priorities in life will be set straight real quickly.  Someone who lost a leg to cANCER.  Another who has been doing chemo for five years.  Almost all with multiple family members.  Support systems of family all baring their bald heads.  Little kids who should be out being stung by bees at the park, not needles in a hospital. There's just no way to put it.  IT'S. JUST. NOT. FAIR.
     Alan's 3 month bloodwork all came back good.  That was a relief. BUT...they found a mass on the chest x-ray that needed a follow up CT.  The oncologist was fairly certain that it was nothing to be worried about, but wanted to run tests just to be sure.  The good thing about all of these scans every three months is that you know every single little thing going on inside your body and have notes to compare even the most minimal change.  The bad thing is that you know every single little thing going on inside your body.  Seeing a common theme here?  cANCER has robbed that peace of mind and isn't giving it back.  So, we have sat on the edge of our seats once again this past week.  Luckily today, the CT scan showed the mass was just a calcium deposit.  We have good news and the"all clear" to carry us through another three months.
     Last Friday's events were proceeded by a phone call from my mom Monday morning.  One of my dad's oldest friends of fifty some years lost his fight to cancer.  He has a daughter my age that I've grown up with all my life.  A little over twelve years ago, she lost her mom to cANCER.  A couple of months back she had genetic testing done to find out that she has the gene for breast cANCER.  Now the question for her is When not If.  AGAIN.  IT'S. JUST. NOT FAIR.
     So, what do we do?  We fight like hell when we get that diagnosis.  When those we love get too tired to fight, we let them rest and we fight like hell for them.  We keep HOPE alive even when there is less peace of mind than there used to be.  We take control of our own lives, have the courage to get the knowledge we need, and then do what needs to be done to not give cANCER the power to it craves.  We become a voice encouraging others to make better choices, do the exams, get the proactive genetic testing.  We become living proof examples like my friend that no matter how much cANCER tries to beat us down and tear our families apart, that if we muster up all the courage we have, we can still live our lives with great meaning and purpose.   It isn't fair. It never will be.  But in the words of Stuart Scott, "We beat cANCER by how we live, why we live, and the manner in which we live."  For these reasons, we are, and always will be, stronger than cANCER.  

Message of HOPE

     I have always loved Easter.  Whether its reflecting on fond memories from growing up and going to see my grandparents every Easter to feeling its always the first true day of spring, Easter has always been a special holiday.  It really wasn't though until these past couple years though and all of our struggles that I truly feel a NEED in my life for Easter and all the promises that come with it.  The message at church today was so incredibly perfect that I felt I just had to share it on my blog.

     We can't know great joy in our life until we know great pain.  And unfortunately, from time to time in our lives, we are going to have that sickening feeling that good and kindness and love and right have been defeated by evil.  That feeling that evil had the final word.  But Easter reminds us that light always triumphs over darkness.  We may pass through seasons of darkness in our lives, but it will never have the final word.  We can CHOOSE to be people of hope, no matter what our circumstances are.  We can CHOOSE to be people of Easter.
    Easter is not just about receiving hope, but its about giving hope. Easter comes with a mission...a mission for us to live it so that other people living in darkness can see its great light and receive that same hope too.

Happy Easter!

 

Lessons from a Bachelorette

     So those of you that know me know that I love reality T.V. and am also a sucker for a good love story.  So put two and two together and you have one heck of a Bachelor/Bachelorette fan.  Now normally I'm not a fan of people going on these shows and then using it to turn their five minutes of fame into 20.  However, I have thought all along that the most recent bachelor, Chris Soule's fiance, Whitney Bischoff is a class act ( I don't want to call her the "winner" because I believe in the fairy tale:))  I continue to think even more so after she has come forward publicly to share that she had some of her eggs frozen a couple of years ago (You can read/watch full story here: http://www.people.com/article/bachelor-whitney-bischoff-chris-soules-fiancee-froze-eggs)
     The media is always out to shed everything in a light that will attract the most attention.  I've seen articles stating how desperate she is to tricking Chris into having a baby, how she's using this to get her time in the spotlight while Chris is on DWTS, etc.  However, I think most, if not all of us that have traveled down the infertility road see this in a completely different light.  This woman who has seen first hand the devastation that infertility can cause to couples has taken the initiative to be proactive to protect her dream of becoming a mother someday.  Like she said, its sort of like an insurance policy.  Angelina Jolie just came forward encouraging those with family histories of genetic diseases, cancers, etc. to get tested and take proactive measures to ensure their health.  This is the exact same thing that Whitney Bischoff has done and is encouraging others to do as well.
     The bottom line is that a woman's maximum fertility is in her 20's and begins to decline in her 30's, particularly after the age of 35.  Women now-a-days are more career driven (which is a good thing!) and often waiting until later in life to have kids.  For whatever reason a woman doesn't have a baby in her 20's but does want to be a mom some day, shouldn't she be given a way to secure that for herself and her future family?  You also never know what curveballs life is going to throw at you (us Gore's know that all too well!) and having some of your eggs frozen is just another precaution if something were to happen healthwise.
     We ,know all too well that these procedures are expensive and not covered by insurance.  I know most people don't have a spare $7,000-$15,000 lying around to spend on freezing eggs.  However, if you are someone that does want to have a family one day and just aren't there right now in your stage of life, then it really may be something that you at least visit with a doctor about and get more information.  If it comes to needing them later down the road, that investment will be priceless.
     One of the main purposes of this blog is shedding light into the infertility world.  Knowledge is power and if my words empower at least one individual than it has served its purpose.  Thank you Whitney Bischoff for being a voice for infertility prevention.  Your knowledge will most certainly be power to at least one family out there and without ever knowing it, you will have changed their lives for the better.

 

Clomid...The Gateway Drug

Literally, Clomid is the gateway drug.  When one first goes to the doctor for infertility concerns, this is almost always the first medication they put you on.  Its an easy blue pill that can be bought at the local pharmacy and I think that it was only about $8 for a bottle.  Wow, do I wish that my drug taking experience ended there!  Next thing you know though, you are on to the harder stuff...shootin' up and all:)  The lovely meds that are involved with an IVF cycle can't be bought at your local pharmacy.  They usually have to come from a specialty pharmacy and are mailed to you and usually have a 3-digit price tag.  Some of them have to be kept refrigerated until taken, most come in the form of a needle that you inject yourself with multiple times a day, and almost all of them come with side effects.  I think when people think of IVF, they think of taking a couple  days of medication, then going to have a procedure.  At least that's what I thought.  However, I was WAY wrong.  I have been on hormonal medications now literally for almost two years straight.  The side effects of these meds is enough to drive you crazy in itself.  But, in the grand scheme of things, are absolutely something you can tolerate if it gives you a baby.  

For the most part, my side effects have been fairly mild from others that I have read about.  I didn't really have crazy emotional rages (although my hubby may say differently:)).  However, there have been plenty others.  Lupron which I've taken 4 cycles of for one month each gave me horrible hot flashes and night sweats the first three months.  I'm talking wanting to take your clothes off in public hot flashes.  Now I know that my mom was not kidding when she used to want to go roll around in the snow when she was having hers!  This last month of it, I've had horrific headaches.  Headaches that aren't made better by any kind of Advil or such.  I think my head has hurt for the last twenty days and I've just kind of gotten used to them.  Last go around, Lupron caused Aunt Flo not to come.  So, there was another med for that.  Unfortunately, that med gave me a bad round of Colitis which landed me in the ER followed by a lovely colonoscopy.  Most of the injection meds go in the abdomen.  They burn when they go in but the shot itself isn't painful at all.  Progesterone though has to go in the bum.  Alan had to give that one. And he HATES needles.  And he had to do it for 2 weeks straight.  That in itself was an experience!  I've never been allergic to any medication in my life, but it turned out I was allergic to that one.  About 2 weeks after taking the meds, I broke out with huge itchy welts.  Good news is I don't have to take that one again!  Then there are the lovely suppositories.  I'm not going to go into more detail on those other than the they are fact 3 suppositories a day. NOT FUN.  All of the meds cause significant weight gain.  Of course there are millions of other reasons why I've put weight on this past year, but I'm going to blame most of it on the meds:)

So, that's just a little glance at what kinds of meds I've been taking and all that they've done.  I honestly can't remember what it is like to feel "normal" since I've been on hormonal meds for so long.  Part of me does worry about the long term effects of all of these.  There really isn't a whole lot of research out there since women haven't been taking them all that long for there to be longitudinal studies, but a little common sense tells you that if a medication can make your body make 25 times the normal amount of eggs it is supposed to, it probably isn't that good for you.  That's the funny thing about infertility though.  You don't care about anything else.  You will endure any physical pain if the outcome is a baby.  When I went to the doctor for my allergic reaction, I asked her if I could keep taking it because I knew what an important med it was.  I told her I could withstand the itchy welts.  She looked at me like I was crazy and proceed to remind me that welts were the first sign of more severe reactions to come.  It was worth a shot though!  So, next time someone you know is on fertility meds, give them the benefit of the doubt.  They are literally at war with their own body, doing everything they can to feel normal when they feel anything and everything but that.

Million Dollar Babies

     So as you've already gathered from my last few entries, this blog covers all the touchy subjects...sex, money, religion, etc.  I'm usually not one to talk about controversial topics, but unfortunately those are at the heart of infertility.  We've covered the sex (or lack there when making a baby in our case) and have touched on the religion, so tonight we are going to talk about money.
     Finances should never be a decision one has to consider when trying to have a baby.  Sure, you a need to be able to support your family and take care of them, but when a couple wants to have a child and is ready to have one, money shouldn't be something standing in their way.  Unfortunately, for many of us struggling with infertility it is.  We're the lucky ones...we've been able to power through despite the financial hardships.  Unfortunately for too many, it stops at the diagnosis.  They simply can't financially afford the treatments.
    I'm not sure of the exact numbers, but I believe there are only 6-10 states nation wide that mandate coverage for infertility.  And of those, it isn't full coverage for most.  As luck would have it, Kansas isn't one of them.  So, this journey that we've been on and continue to journey on, has been an expensive one to say the least.  I am not writing this to gain sympathy, pity, etc.  I just want to bring awareness to the finance aspect of infertility that I was unaware of prior to being on this journey.
     I have a $2500 insurance deductible.  So what that means is that January 1 every year, I have to pay $2500 out of pocket for anything medical (visits, prescriptions, etc.) and everything after that is covered 100%.  Everything except for infertility.  And sadly, this is soooo common for most of us facing infertility.  I consider myself one of the lucky ones...my insurance does let the meds count towards my deductible and then will cover them after the deductible is met.  And that's a good thing cause let me give you an idea of how much those meds cost.  About $4000-$6000 for IVF meds...I've been through 3 of those.  The lovely Lupron shot that puts me into menopause...$900 a shot...I've had four of those.  Patches that I wear prior to and weeks after an embryo transfer...3 a day at $15 a patch.  So, we are just talking meds here.
    Procedures...artificial insemination or IUI...$500 each.  Our doctor does package deals for IVF which includes bloodwork, ultrasounds, and procedures...$15,000.  Any genetic testing, etc. is extra of course.  Frozen embryo transfers...$2,000.  Any additional bloodwork, procedures, doctor visits, etc., and there are a lot of them, minimum a couple hundred dollars.  They do not accept payment plans, by they do of course accept credit cards:)  Those are figures from our KU clinic.  As you begin to seek out experts in the field, they know it, and their price tag shows it too.  We just had a 30 minute phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft in CO...$350 for the phone call and the possible start of a $40,000 journey if we end up having to go to CO.
     My frustration doesn't lie with the cost of the medical procedures...we all know that the medical field is an expensive industry.  It does lie though with the insurance companies.  Alan and I didn't do anything to bring our fertility conditions upon us.  We lead fairly healthy lives.  We don't smoke, don't drink too much (although this situation isn't helping the matter!), try to workout regularly, and eat somewhat ok.  There are so many other elective procedures that insurance will cover, but not this.  It makes my blood boil.
     So, it is my hope that this post will bring a little understanding on a couple key points.  My husband and I have great jobs, but unfortunately in the infertility world, it still isn't enough.  I tutor Monday-Friday until 7:00 most nights and then again on Sunday mornings.  My husband does side handyman jobs whenever he can.  This is why.  We know we want a family more than anything else and will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  We have talks at night as to where is the money going to come from.  We've considered depleting our retirement and selling our five bedroom house.  I'd work until I'm 70 and live in a house that is way to small for our family versus a large empty house any day if it means I will get to be a mom.  The GoFundMe was literally a gift from you all that I can never thank you enough for...you've helped to lighten this load just a little bit and it means the world to me.  Finally, if our path leads us to adoption, we would consider ourselves equally blessed.  However, adoption runs an additional $30,000 or so on top of all already spent on infertility treatment.  Unfortunately, there is no easy answer in the world of infertility or money for that matter.  It is my hope that everyone reading this and going through infertility has had friends and family as understanding on this topic as mine have been.