cANCER

     I've "borrowed" the title for this post from an amazing woman in our community.  She and her young son have both battled cancer and young son continues to put up an AMAZING fight.  Whenever she posts about this awful disease, she never gives it the power it wants.  I want to honor their fighting spirit as I talk about how this awful disease rocked our world.
     On the morning of July 9, Alan went to his primary care doctor for what was supposed to be some routine medical care.  That day ended with both of us sitting in the office of the urologist hearing the words that no one wants to hear, "You have Testicular cANCER."  He was then scheduled to have surgery 6 days later to have the mass removed.  We had drove separately to the appointment- neither one of us had started our work day thinking that it would end this way.  I remember leaving the doctor's office, sitting in the parking lot to call my Mom and then my friend, Alaina.  Both of them were in utter shock, just as I was.  How was this happening?  Why were we being given another battle when we weren't well into the 1st quarter of the other one we were fighting?  Surgery on the 16th came and went.  Alan did great and all went quite well.  However, the results of the type of cancer came back and they weren't what we were hoping for.  The cANCER was more rare and aggressive than originally thought.  Masses had also been found on the lymph nodes above the cancer area.  Additional treatment (radiation or chemo) or surgery would be required.  We happened to have a follow up with the fertility doctor two days after Alan's surgery.  He was such a good sport.  I dragged him with me to that appointment less than 48 hours after being under the knife and worked on in the most uncomfortable of places.  At this point we still didn't know the next course of treatment.  With chemo still on the table, our RE highly encouraged us to freeze some swimmers.  So, I think every other morning for the next two weeks or so, I would wake Alan up early and make him "make a deposit" on his way to work.  Again, SUCH a good sport.  Alan met with a team of oncologists here at KU and then through the connection of a great family friend got hooked up with  a specialist in Chicago and then a surgeon Indianapolis.  The Indianapolis Team was one Alan decided to go with,  (Huge selling point that they were the ones to save Lance Armstrong's life as well!)  So, the first week back at school for teachers, we were off to Indiana for Alan's surgery.  They would remove the lymph nodes in a surgery similar to open heart resulting in a 14 inch incision down his stomach.  He now has a lovely centipede scar from all 53 staples that the women at Lifetime love to see at the pool:) Amazingly, the surgery only lasted a little under two hours.  The same surgery at KU was slated for 10-12 hours.  That was Alan's and my first experience first hand on the importance of seeking out medical professionals who excel in their field.  And better yet, the masses were not cANCER and Alan was cANCER free.  BEST.NEWS.EVER.  Four days later, we were back on a plane heading back to Kansas City.
     Alan jokes though, and its true, that cANCER was the easy part of his journey.  Recovery was the hardest.  Alan ended up back in the hospital on two separate occasions.  Both had to do with fluid collecting at the surgery site.  The first time was only a few weeks after we returned from Indiana.  He had extreme lower back pain so I took him to the ER one night.  They found fluid had collected at the removal site.  They were able to remove some of it through a procedure but not all of it.  His three month CT scan in October showed that it had collected again, so I a permanent drain was put in this time for as long as needed.
     The morning of November 1, I woke up to run some errands.  Alan was feeling pretty miserable and had a fever.  I didn't think anything of it at first though and went about my morning.  However, when I was out and about, common sense finally kicked in.  My husband has a plastic tube coming out of him and now he has a fever. Infection.  I raced home and took him to the ER.  Sure enough,  he had a severe infection throughout his body.  At this point they didn't know what it was.  The next 24 hours that followed were the scariest of my life.  Scarier than infertility diagnoses, scarier than surgeries, scarier than cANCER.  He literally cried and moaned for 24 hours straight.  Other than that, pretty much incoherent.  When the infectious disease doctor came in to talk with me Sunday morning, they said it's a good thing you brought him in when you did or we would be having a very different conversation.  However, at that point though, they were still very concerned.  There were so many unknowns- and their biggest concern at the time was that the infection had spread to the brain.  I made a phone call to my parents in Chicago, and thankfully, by 5:00 that evening, they were by my side.  We finally got a diagnosis of a strep and staph infection in the blood.  After a week in the hospital and celebrating our 4th (yet most likely most memorable) anniversary in the hospital, we were going  home again.
     It was hands down one of the hardest things I have ever had to do seeing my husband so sick.  He's always been the stronger one of the two of us.  Yet, there were nights when we would lie on the couch and both sob wondering if life would ever be "normal" again.  It was during this time that the weight of the last year and a half really fell on my shoulders.  Most days while driving pretty much anywhere, I would just sob in the car.  I didn't know how much more I could take.  I was broken.  But, slowly, things did begin to turn around for Alan's health.  He did get better and,  by the end of 2014, things had returned to "normal" again.

     I remember one morning waking up and thinking to myself that this cANCER thing was really over.  It was a blessing and a curse at the same time.  In the most obvious ways, a blessing.  My husband was finally on the track to being healthy again.  We most certainly were not the same people we were before the experience.  Life had more meaning.  Family and friends had more meaning.  Love had more meaning. But now, this awful thing that had been a dis-tractor for the past 5 months, something so much more urgent, permanent, and life threatening than infertility was gone.  And so my mind became consumed...24 hours a day... with babies once again.

And the Mountains are Steeper...

     Sorry for the delay between this and my last post.  Time seemed to slip away from me this last week...always so much to do and so little time to do it in!  Anyways, I'll continue with the last post, giving you all the background to our story.
     So I left off in the summer of 2013 just have having had surgery to "treat" not "cure" my endometriosis.  I was then put on birth control for a few months.  At this point, I remember having a number of thoughts.  Part of me was relieved that Alan and I were dealing with both male and female infertility.  I think that helped lessen the guilt for both of us, knowing that neither one of us alone was the cause of all of this.  Another thought that I remember having was that although I had just had surgery and was now working with a fertility specialist, I remember thinking that our fertility issues really weren't that bad.  That we would be well on our way to our family in the next few months or so and would never even have to imagine thinking about IVF, egg/sperm/embryo donors, etc.  I laugh at my naiveness now.  So, intra-uterine insemination (IUI), artificial insemination, or "turkey baster" procedure (what my friends like to call it) was scheduled for the beginning of August.  This is the procedure where they basically give the swimmers a running start, but once inside the pool, left to do things on their own:)  I started taking Clomid, a drug that cause a woman to ovulate a couple of eggs at a time as opposed to usually just one, at the beginning of my cycle.  I went in for blood and ultrasounds every couple of days just to see how things were progressing.  Once the doc was happy with the size of the eggs (I think I had three that first time), I gave myself a trigger shot 36 hours out.  Well, I didn't give it to myself.  That first shot I remember making such a big deal about.  I walked over to my neighbor's house, (He used to be a nurse), and he gave it to me.  It was a simple shot in the lower abdomen.  Not a big deal, but still scary at first to be giving yourself a shot at home.  Again in hindsight, now, I'm an old pro at giving myself shots.  Anyways, the morning of the procedure Alan went and did his thing, they cleaned and weeded out the strongest ones, and a couple hours later, the little swimmers were put back in me.  Alan and I were certain that it was going to work.  After the procedure I had him take me to Barnes and Noble and I bought a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting.  The next day, I went out and bought all the things I needed to tell him "we were pregnant" in a cute way.  I was ready!  Well two weeks later, via peeing on a stick, we were not pregnant.
     Ok we thought, no biggie. We did another "turkey baster" procedure that November (You'd be amazed the amount of time it takes in between procedures).  Another negative.  After two failed IUIs, we met with our doc and decided to take the leap and do IVF.  It was soooo much more expensive than IUIs, but certainly this would result in a baby.
     So, in the beginning of February of 2014, we started our first round of IVF (In-virto Fertilization).  For those of you unfamiliar with this procedure, this is when I get to shoot myself up multiple times daily for multiple days in order to make as many eggs as I can.  Can you say feeling like a chicken?!  Then, the eggs are removed, hand fertilized with the little swimmers by an embryologist, grown in a lab for 5 days and then put back inside me.  I remember hearing about this when I was a little kid that babies were actually grown in "test tubes."  Little did I know that one of my own would be!  After a couple weeks of lots of medications, lot of blood work and almost daily doctor appointments, we were ready for the egg retrieval.  I don't remember how many eggs were retrieved that first time.  I do know that after they were retrieved and grown in the lab for 5 days, we had two really great ones but none left over to freeze.  Those two were transferred back into me on day 5.  Two weeks later though, via a blood test this time, another big fat negative.
    We met with the doctor shortly after that to come up with....I guess Plan E at this time.  We were beginning to suspect that my endometriosis was coming back, both from symptoms I was starting to have and some fluid found at the time of retrieval, so my doctor wanted to put me on Lupron for a month, do an egg retrieval, freeze the embryos, put me back on Lupron for two months, and then transfer the embryos back.  Lupron is this awful drug that is given in a one month injection and essentially tricks your body into thinking it is in menopause.  I'm talking night sweats, hot flashes, and all.  NOT FUN.  So, I did that lovely drug for a month.  I then began shooting myself up again to make a bunch of good ol' eggs.  However, this time, instead of making a lot of eggs for the retrieval, my body just made a couple of eggs really fast.  Once they get to a certain size, the eggs have to come out or they can cause a threat to your health.  So, we had to turn this round into another IUI.  The good thing that came from this was that at the last minute I decided to seek out an acupuncturist.  It was something I was considering, but hadn't done.  Seeing her has been one of the best decisions I have made to date.  I'll post later on that.  So, I went in for a couple acupuncture treatments, and we turned this cycle into an IUI.  Another negative.
     So, at this point, its about the middle of June 2014.  As I said before, it takes a long time between procedures.  After every failed cycle, you have to go back on birth control for a month for your system to reset.  I was on the pill for the month of July.
    As if the ride hadn't been bumpy enough, it was about to get real interesting.  July 9, 2014, Alan was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer.

The Valleys Are Deeper...

     Warning: This post is a brief summary of the journey we have been on for the last few years.  I do want to say though, about this post and all other ones to come, I have chosen to write this blog to share my journey with others, so that they can gain encouragement and strength from my words, and understand what their family and friends are going through when they share with you that they are dealing with infertility.  I am not writing this to complain or gain pity, but rather be a voice of support, understanding, and education for those dealing with a disease that is so very often not talked about.

     Alan and I were married on November 6, 2010.  It was at dinner on our first anniversary that we decided that we would officially start trying for a baby, or "pull the goalie" as Alan likes to phrase it.  I don't know why, but even at that point, I had an inkling that this would be a journey for us.  Fast forward to August of 2011.  I had my annual exam and visited with my OBGYN about the fact that we had been trying to have a baby for almost a year at no avail.  I had described my symptoms that came along with that time of the month, but she didn't really seem that concerned.  However, she did suggest that Alan go ahead and get tested as it was much easier to diagnose male infertility than female.  I pretty much sent Alan off to do his thing at the lab the next day.  Those results came back and showed that Alan's counts were "low and slow."  After a visit to the urologist in mid-October, everything checked out fine other than the fact that his counts were well below average.  Alan was only a couple weeks away from his first Ironman, so I was convinced (or wanted to be convinced) that all of this could be chalked up to riding a bike too much and wearing too tight of shorts.  Low and behold, the next day he had a dresser full of boxers, not boxer briefs.  The urologist went ahead and referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) that we would meet with in December.  Ironman Florida came and went with great success, but no baby.  After 6 weeks of waiting for an appointment with the RE, we got a phone call a couple days before our appointment that the doctor had gone on medical leave and they didn't know when he would be back.  And so began the beginning of so many long waits.
     We had friends over for dinner some time shortly after that and they mentioned to us that they were working with the KU RE team.  We went ahead and made our appointment at KU- another six week wait.  Come the morning of the appointment, sometime in February 2013, I wake up at 4am to a text of a snow day.  Now normally, snow days are heaven sent.  But not this one.  A huge blizzard was about to hit KC.  I was still convinced that doctor's offices don't close for blizzards and Alan would be able to drive the 100 blocks south in the downpour snow to get me to this appointment.  But no, around 7:30 I got a phone call that they clinic would be closed for the day and all appointments would be rescheduled.  Another two week wait.  So, the week before spring break 2013, we finally had our first meeting with our RE, Dr. Krieg at the KU Center for Reproductive Medicine.  In the past 7 months that had past since I last talked with my OBGYN, I got really close with Dr. Google.  I was convinced that I had endometriosis.  After visiting with Dr. Krieg, she seemed to agree with me.  So, surgery was scheduled another 6 weeks out for the end of April 2013.  At that time, I had laparoscopy and hysteroscopy where they diagnosed me with stage 4 endometriosis found all over my reproductive and digestive tract.  Fifteen years of many questions of stomach cramping, heavy periods/pains, and digestive issues were answered with this diagnosis.  After my surgery and for about the next year, I had never felt better physically.  All the awful symptoms of being a girl were pretty much relieved.  I was then put on birth control for the next three months to help suppress the rest of the endo that they couldn't get to.
     I will go ahead and stop there for the night.  If you can gather anything from this infertility journey, I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that there is A LOT of waiting.  And more waiting.  Here we are almost a year into our story and nothing has even happened yet!  We still have artificial inseminations, IVF, and cancer to get through in the coming blogs:)

     For those of you who have known me for a long time know that I am a sucker for quotes.  Pinterest has been a Godsend for this reason!  I have a huge "Quotes" board on Pinterest.  These keep me positive when the days are not.  I've decided that I will end each blog sharing my favorites with you:)

God's Hands and Feet

     Many of you know that my husband is the blogger in our family, but given the recent events in our life, I've decided to take a spin at it too.  It's something that I've thought about doing over the last year but have never forced myself to sit down and put thoughts to paper until now.  Most of you know that the last 24 months, more specifically, the last 7 months, have been less than stellar.  We have been dealing with infertility formally for two and half years, trying to have a baby for three and a half, and then we'll throw some testicular cancer in there just to shake things up a bit.  That's a very quick background on our lives for the last couple of years, more to come on my specific infertility journey later.
     Back to why I feel now is the time to start this blog.  As many of you are aware, we got news Monday that our 2nd attempt at IVF failed.  Alan and I stood in our kitchen Monday night, holding each other, crying, both barely able to breathe we were so overcome with such sadness, loss, and grief.  I'm not gonna lie, we were both very angry and confused with the man upstairs.  Alan has always been the one with unshakable faith, the one who blindly believes against any and all scientific reason or proof.  It has been because of his guidance that I have become the strong Christian that I am today.  However, Monday night he was mad and confused.  He stated that if he was to be able to keep believing he needed to see some BIG sign, some miracle this week from God.  I thought to myself, there's no way.  Things like that just don't happen on demand.  What was I going to do if the man I admired most, the man whose faith is the sole reason that we are both still standing after the last 7 months of trials, stopped believing?
     Fast forward to Thursday.  I'm was at work and since we had parent teacher conferences this week, I had some open time in my schedule.  I was sitting at my desk when my dear friend and co-worker, Mona came in.  She proceeded to tell me that her and one of my other best friends, Alaina,  had set up an online fund raiser for Alan and I.  For those of you that don't know, infertility treatments are very rarely covered by insurance.  Although the physical pain is there, the emotional pain is harder.  And then put immense financial burdens on top of that.  I was speechless. Within an hour, we already had a couple thousand dollars in donations.  Friends from college. Friends parents from high school.  Friends from elementary school. Old coworkers.  Current coworkers.  People we hadn't even met.  Right then and there we got out sign.  God hadn't forgotten us and he sent you all to be his hands and feet reaching out to us, supporting us, letting us know that this dream of becoming a family could and would be still very much a reality.
     And so that is what the purpose of this blog is.  Whether you want to consider it a blessing or a curse, I have never been a shy one.  Alan and I are both pretty much open books.  I feel that it is now my job to be a voice of support and education for anyone out there struggling with infertility.  Infertility is considered a silent disease.  On the outside we look like everything is fine, but on the inside we are broken.  It takes almost everything we have, every single day, to not let our sadness consume us.  But we do it because we know there is still so much goodness out there in the world and we aren't going to let it pass us by waiting for our other dream become a reality.  You all are that goodness.
     THANK YOU for the bottom of our hearts for the incredible love and support you have shown us this week.  Although you have given monetarily, you have given us back the greatest gift of all, HOPE, just when we needed it the most.  I hope you will continue to walk along with us on this journey.  And if you or anyone you know out there is struggling with infertility, let them know that they are not alone.  Whether its you or your mother's cousin's friend's next door neighbor, may they get strength from this blog and know I'm only a phone call away.  Let us all be God's hands and feet in the ways that we know how to best.


For those of you that have been asking, here's the link to our Baby Fund Page.  From the bottom of our hearts, with the deepest love and gratitude, THANK YOU:)

http://www.gofundme.com/makklo?fb_action_ids=10152741717431297&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_ref=fb_g_my_t